Update: Lindsay Lohan was denied

Lindsay Lohan is in LA now and last night she wanted to get into Trousdale club except security wouldn’t let her in. CDC’s orders ma’am. From Pacific Coast News:

Lindsay Lohan has a spot of bother persuading security to let her into Trousdale nightclub. LiLo spent 15 minutes persuading the doormen to allow her access to the brand new club. But strangely, after all that, Lindsay left the club having only spent 10 minutes inside as it was closing time!

As long as she got in I guess it was a moral victory. You showed them, Lindsay. they probably knew they were closing in 10 minutes so they let her in to mess with her. That’s what I would do. I would also whisper things into her ear when she wasn’t paying attention and replace her drink with a can of Red Bull and act like nothing happened.
Update: Lindsay was denied because there was a private party. In response, she tweeted her anger and frustration over not being treated like a spoiled princess.

“Last night was a private event with a guest list,” a club rep tells me. “The lounge is open for business on Tuesdays, Fridays and Saturdays, so any events on other nights are private.”
She eventually got in, but didn’t stay long. Of course, she took to Twitter to vent about the whole ordeal.
“I’ve never been treated so poorly in my life, this is why I never come to LA- isn’t security, after I respect them and their work and tip,” she first wrote.
“That was scary, mean, arrogant, and unnecessarily aggressive. I pick new york jus like Jay-Z…… Wouldn’t you?” she added.
According to her tweets, she was simply trying to visit a friend who was there from NYC.

This is pretty much how bouncers treat normal people. If you haven’t been in at least three movies, they just look at you and laugh.

Lindsay has been wronged

Not only is Lindsay delusional, but so are all the Lohans. Speaking to Page Six, Dina Lohan said that the E-Trade commercial featuring a boyfriend-stealing milkaholic baby named Lindsay gave the real Lindsay the sads. Hence, why they now want $100 million in pain and suffering.

“She said, ‘Mommy, help me. This is wrong. How can they do this?’ ” Dina Lohan said of a tearful phone call with her 23-year-old daughter after the big game.
“They’re little babies doing this, mocking another child who’s just trying to survive Hollywood, basically,” Dina Lohan said.
“I’m just basically glad I took a stand. I’m not going to let them do this to us anymore,” Dina Lohan said of the “horrible” and “mean” ad.
She said that the ad was clearly aimed at her daughter because unlike other stars, her daughter’s first name is synonymous with the “Herbie Fully Loaded” actress.
“Everyone knows Lindsay, like Cher or Madonna,” Dina Lohan said. But Grey Group, which produced the ad, insists that — unlike Oprah or Cher — Lindsay is a popular baby name. In fact, company spokesman Chris Brown said that someone working on the spot shared the name as well.

Whatever Lindsay and Dina are smoking, it must be fantastic. Let me guess, right after the commercial ended, Lindsay turned to her unicorn named Rainbow Brite and asked, “That commercial was about me, wasn’t it?”
The only difference between Lindsay and a crazy person is that instead of seeing secret messages from the CIA, Lindsay sees dollar signs.

Lindsay Lohan is a writer now

Lindsay Lohan tells OK! Magazine that her two court mandated trips to rehab were like a vacation for her. Lindsay loved meeting new people and seeing what they’re going through. There’s no mention of her getting any help for the addictions she had though. In fact, Lindsay thought some of her friends would benefit from rehab. So she was more like a scout than a patient there.
Asked whether she drinks responsibly, she responds, “Yeah. I mean, mind you, my drinking was never more than… I mean, here’s the thing, I have friends who would get so wasted at college. I have never been one to get drunk and act like that, that’s not who I am.” Right. Either Lindsay is naturally bat shit insane or she likes to drink excessively on occasion. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Just don’t lie to yourself.
Lindsay has also started writing a book. With words, I think.

“I write a lot and it’s very therapeutic for me because then I can see what’s happening on paper. I’ve started writing a book. It’s going to take a while, all my life experiences. I started writing it a year ago. There’s a lot to put down, you know?”

How much do you want to bet that, in between the pages of vomit and tears, this book is nothing but angry rantings about how “I hate my dad,” “The media is mean to me” and other excuses she makes for why she bangs on Samantha Ronson’s door like a maniac at 4 in the morning, why there was coke in her purse and why her life is a big mess.

Lindsay Lohan does Purple

Lindsay Lohan did a photoshoot with Terry Richardson for Purple and it came out as you’d expect. She pushed out her ass and let her tits hang out because that’s the only sexy pose Lindsay knows. “Demure” is not in her vocabulary. She’ll go from zero to slut in 5.4 seconds. Rawr!

Lindsay Lohan seems nice

Lindsay Lohan was in Milan yesterday on her way back from that morning’s fashion show and heading to the airport when she decided to roll down her window and throw her Red Bull at the paparazzi.
Lindsay is a spoiled brat, but, rawr, what a spitfire. I bet she rivals Jessica Simpson in bed. I could be wrong, however. She could be constantly drunk and high making her terrible in bed which sounds more likely. Instead of describing her as “sexual napalm”, she’d be described as a sexual water balloon. Wet, but ultimately underwhelming and useless on contact.

Lindsay planning move to England

Finally, my cries for a celebrity exchange program have been heard. Lindsay is moving to England in the very near future. That two part interview with The Sun was just the right amount of attention she needed to consider leading a new life of debauchery in the UK. Lindsay made the announcement yesterday tweeting, “Moving to the UK is in my near future* better dj’s/music and Paris is just a Chunnel away!” I’m not sure if that Paris comment was a dig at Paris Hilton’s stretched out vagina, but that’s how I’m going to take it.
The most important question of course is who the US gets in return. May I suggest Cheryl Cole? She’s soon to be divorced and LA is wonderful. Paparazzi will take your picture everywhere you go even if you’re on a yacht 4 miles off shore so exposure is not a problem and police will treat you like a god, bending to your every whim. You’ll have to set a homeless guy on fire just to get the LAPD to take notice and the most they’ll do is issue a press release saying “We do not condone setting homeless people on fire.”
[LA, February 23. Images via Pacific Coast News.]

Lindsay Lohan’s love of women surprised her

Prepare for a sexy revelation. Lindsay Lohan tells The Sun (in part 2 of her candid interview) via PEOPLE that her love of women crept up on her prone, sexy body like a bi-curious succubus. I don’t know what I just wrote. Anyway, Lohan sets the scene for the perfect woman in prison movie:

“I never really thought about women before, it kind of just happened with Samantha. It surprised me.”
“If I wasn’t with Samantha, I would probably be with a boy next. She’s the only woman I’ve been attracted to. We love each other. We might reconcile the relationship, maybe.”

Now that Lindsay and Samantha live in the same apartment building in LA, it will be hard to avoid each other. Not only that, it should make Lindsay’s plan of seducing Samantha much easier. First it’ll start with a chance meeting at the mailboxes. Next it will escalate to giggling at something Samantha said followed by a light graze of Lindsay’s fingers on Sam’s arms as she rasps, “Oh, you’re so funny!” Finally, Lindsay will ever so casually mention she’s not wearing panties and slightly hitch up her skirt. All the while the mailman, sweating profusely, nervously tries to finish sorting the mail as fast as he can before having to witness a full on Gollum-Ash Tray makeout session.

Lindsay Lohan blames her father, promotes well

Lindsay Lohan threw on her best Michael Lohan mesh shirt and hit up The Pool at Harrah’s to promote her 6126 line of leggings. The outfit and leggings go surprisingly well together. They’re both trashy and awesome.
Consider this. Lindsay looks like a hooker here. Coincidentally, one of her leggings features knee pads. This seems like more than a happy coincidence.
In related news, The Sun has an article on Lindsay where she explains her drug use and how her father drove her to it, confessing to once collapsing on the bathroom floor with the water still running in the tub after taking Ambien.

“When my father was going public, that’s when I hit rock bottom. I abused substances too much and it wasn’t the answer to my problems. People need to know that. I tried to mask my problems with alcohol, cocaine and mind-altering substances. Now I’m in a place where I don’t need to use anything and I can feel emotions because I choose to. I learnt from my mistakes and I’m now healthy and happier. I never want to be close to losing everything I worked for and aspired to have my whole life.”
“Mind-altering substances are so dangerous. If I can teach others, especially teens, by sharing my experiences, then that’s what I will continue to do. I’ve made some dreadful mistakes but learned from them – that has probably saved my life.”
“I went to rehab three times. The first time I checked myself in because I had taken Ambien. It’s a sleeping aid but it makes you hallucinate. I’d run a bath and fallen asleep on the floor and the bath had overflowed. When I woke up I was so scared, I called my therapist and said, ‘Can I just go somewhere for a month? I’m around bad people and I need to take care of myself’. I was terrified, so I put myself in. There was a point when I didn’t know how to say ‘No’ and I was trying to please everyone. I was doing pop and making films. I was young and thought I could go out, have fun, then go on set and record. I ran myself down and I lost track of who I was.”

Lindsay also says she only tried cocaine once (she heard about it from her dad) to see what it was like. She didn’t like it because she was hyper anyway and it made her feel like shit. Uh huh. And Pete Wentz only kissed a guy once just to see what it was like.

Lindsay Lohan is a “brand damager”

Poor Lindsay. She’s dead to everyone now. No one wants to hire her much less invite her to events because they think she’ll drag their name through the mud. Which is why she was absent from Jill Stuart’s Fashion Week show.
A source close to Lohan says she wasn’t invited because the designer’s team considers Lindsay a “brand damager”.

“A lot of designers, and especially Jill’s camp, don’t think she’s worth all the press she’d get their show,” an industry insider leaks, although Stuart denies that she banned Lohan.
But we hear Linds’ absence from NYC is a little personal, too: Her ex-girlfriend, deejay Samantha Ronson, and Sam’s twin sis, designer Charlotte, practically run Fashion Week.
“Fashion Week kind of belongs to the Ronsons,” says the source, “and Charlotte had Lindsay banned from both her show and after-party — just like she did this past fall.”

Lindsay went from being the “IT” girl to the leper of Hollywood in a matter of a few years. You’d have a slower fall if you jumped out of an airplane.
Below: People who were at Jill Stuart’s show.
[New York, February 16. Images via Bauer-Griffin.]

Lindsay Lohan didn’t ditch, she was shopping

News was that Lindsay Lohan skipped out on Vienna’s Opera Ball as Richard Lugner’s escort. Turns out Lindsay missed her flight because she’s an idiot. Lugner said Lindsay’s British Airways flight left without her when she lost track of time shopping at the airport. Lindsay wanted to hold the flight but her credit limit wasn’t high enough. Lindsay needed $22,000.
All Lindsay had to do was get on a plane to make $150,000 for showing up at a party. She’s such a screw-up that she couldn’t even do that. I bet if you told her to solve a Rubik’s cube, she’d somehow make it explode. The most basic of tasks would turn into the hardest thing ever. Like if you told her to get you a cup of water, she’d come back an hour later trying to pull off a python wrapped around her neck.

Lindsay Lohan won’t be an escort

Only hours before it was slated to begin, Lindsay Lohan has opted not to take a $150,000 payday and go to Vienna’s Opera Ball as 77-year-old Richard Lugner’s date. Lugner will now take male German singer, producer and entertainer Dieter Bohlen instead.
No reason was given as to why Lohan ditched. It’s not like she doesn’t need the money. Lindsay probably thinks she’ll get another film role real soon. The only thing is the phone hasn’t rang for weeks. Maybe it’s unplugged? Nope, that’s not it. Maybe another phone is off the hook? Nope, not it either. Lindsay should really call the phone company to check on that. It seems unlikely offers just aren’t pouring in.

Lindsay Lohan died for your sins

Lindsay Lohan is on the cover of the spring/summer issue of French fashion magazine Purple. Shot by Terry Richardson, Lindsay, clad in white, has her arms outstretched like Jesus and wears a crown of thorns. E! says this is shocking. Shocking because this is the first time in a while Lindsay hasn’t shown her tits. Oh, snap!
You can tell this is meant to be ironic too because as far as I know, Jesus never had a venereal disease or went down on a guy in a bathroom stall. Although I could be wrong about that. I’ve never actually read the Bible.
Video of the shoot below.

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